Leo is doing great right now. Oodles of energy and really growing up fast. Not having any other children, PJ and I can only stand and watch as Leo amazes us with his wit, energy, love and artistic expertise, and we wonder whether other kids are the same. I am sure all parents are the same!!
We also wonder what he'd be like without all the stuff which has happened to him. We think he's very grown up as he spends a lot of time around adults, and even more so because of his fight with cancer (which he is winning right now). But we can't help stepping back sometimes and wondering why this happened to him, how has he managed to do so well and what now?
Unfortunately, and I've tried to explain this to a few people recently, we're at a tipping point in our lives, where we're trying to plan a future and permit ourselves to even think about a future - when I say future, I mean, can we imagine Leo as a ten year old? Why do our hearts still sink when we hear people talking about or ask what he'd like to be when Leo grows up?
It's almost as though we're just getting our heads around him starting school properly in September, and that's only a few months away. Believe me when I say that only a month or two ago, I could not have said I was excited about Leo starting school because I could not get my head around him making it that far. And that's about as far ahead as we can imagine at the moment. That's not to say that as time goes by we won't allow our thought process to imagine the next year ahead of us, instead of just the next few months.
Seriously, Leo is doing just great. The most recent check-ups were clear so Leo is winning the fight, but as I write that, my heart skips a beat that he should even be in this position. A child's life should be carefree. And life should be all about what we dream for our children, not what we fear. But that balance will switch - the fear will lessen and the dreams, very different dreams, will show themselves much more. We hope...I guess without hope, we have no life.
A few weeks ago we were all in the car to a charity golf day captained by one of our friend's fathers, and they were raising much needed funds for Clic Sargent. I say this because it was on this particular car journey that Leo asked a rather huge question...it was a rather poignant moment when Leo asked PJ and I why we came back from Spain...
Amongst both our hearts stopping in thinking how do we answer that, I stupidly said it's because I had to have an operation on my tummy, knowing halfway through this answer that it was rubbish and that Leo deserved to know the truth without him thinking it was his fault.
And so through tears, I explained we came home because we needed to make the 'baddy in his head' go away with 'the medicines and wobbly juice'....and then there was a pause....and Leo's voice, sad as we've ever heard, replied, 'I wish I didn't have to go through that'.
Boy, did that make PJ and I sob our hearts out for him as hearing your 4 year old say he wished he didn't have to have all those meds etc and return from Spain where we were really settled and happy, is very sad - and in 'normal' life, children his age should never feel those emotions. I guess this is all part of the healing process and will eventually help us all cope with life a little easier...
Tomorrow's a new day...
Sunday, June 07, 2009
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